In My Memory, Her Joy Blinds Me
by VioletLites
Summary: Klaus reflects on the life he had with Julia Rochelle backing his play. An interlude between "A Father's Pride, A Mother's Joy" and "A Man's Crown, A Woman's Glory."
1. Chapter 1

**As promised, the one shot from Klaus's point of view taking us from the time the Mikaelson's fled New Orleans in 1919 to his return to the city nearly a century later. **

* * *

_In my memory, I hear her screaming_

_And helplessly I ran. _

The music is uptempo and the entire room feels like it's filled with energy as the taste of alcohol is made all the sweeter from its current taboo status. Rebekah, my dear sister, makes a fool of herself dancing with our new found friend, Stephan Salvatore.

I have to admit that I quite like him more than some of Rebekah's previous choices. I grimace and take a drink as this thought brings to mind Marcel and is quickly followed by the memory of the woman with understanding eyes and a mischievous smile.

"_Julia no!"_

"_You have to run." Her hand caresses my face and her eyes are wide with fear. Not for herself. But for me. For Marcel. "I'll come find you." _

_She grasps my face and kisses me with abandon. Time stops for a moment and I taste the desperation in her multiplied by my own. I want to tell her. I was going to tell her. She pulls away from me. "Run."_

"_Julia." My hand reaches for her as she runs straight into the fire to try to save the man we both called son from the man that did his best to forget that I was once his. _

_Rebekah holds me back as Elijah tells us both to go so that he can buy us time while he distracts our monster of a father. When I hear Julia's voice ring out in fear, it is almost enough to make me run in after her. But Rebekah is pulling me away. "Nik. We have to go."_

"Nik. Perhaps it's time to call it a night?"

I smile up at my sister. The short and wavy hair that is so popular this decade suits her. The music is softer now. The brass instruments lazy in their sound as they move like waves through the room. Julia would have adored the direction Jazz has been taking recently.

I take another drink to clear my head. "Of course Rebekah. Can't let you stay out too late now can I?"

Stephan smirks and bids us goodnight. As much as I like him, I think perhaps Julia was right. Rebekah would've been happiest with Marcel. And I was happiest with Julia.

* * *

_In my memory, she is crying_

_I do the only thing I can. _

The doppelganger has been found. Back in Mystic Falls, of all places, the same forest we once called home when we were still young and human. I can finally free myself from this wretched block of my nature. I can finally realize my full potential. My full power.

I catch myself wanting to turn and speak to her. But she is not here and hasn't been for a long time. What would she think, I wonder. What would she think of me finally gaining my ability to turn? Of my power?

"_Family is power." _ She would remind me.

Unbidden a memory flows through my mind.

_She is in pain. Her heart is in agony over the words Marcellus dared to put to paper for her to read. Bad enough that he abandoned her - US - but now he is making it worse. _

_I find him and his regiment easily enough. I manage to get him to meet with me easily enough. I have a feast waiting for him, knowing that he must be starving in the trenches. _

_I'm examining a battle helmet when he enters. "Hate the war. Love the hats."_

_Marcel huffs in annoyance. "Klaus. What are you doing here?"_

"_Well, you left before such a delicious meal, I thought I'd bring you dessert!" I push the woman on my arm forward and she stands in front of him, baring her throat. Marcel's eyes darken with hunger and glare up at me. "Oh, go on! You know you want to! Have your fill!"_

_His fangs extend and I add, "And then, come home to New Orleans."_

_He stops just short of feeding and glares up me again before pushing her back toward me and stomping toward the exit. "I have to get back to my men."_

_I speed into his path. "Your men? Don't be bloody ridiculous, Marcel! Let the food fight amongst themselves if you must, but make no mistake, your place is at home with your family. You have made your mother worry needlessly. And that last letter you sent was cruel."_

"_You once told me that family are the people that you fight for, and those willing to fight for you! So, you go home, Klaus! I am with family!" He puts his helmet onto his head and storms out of the tent, leaving me alone._

I shake myself from the memory. I have no doubt that if she were here, Julia would be fighting by my side. She likely would've been able to do this entire thing with a lot more tact and may even have made friends with one or more of the people that are opposing me. But she's not here.

* * *

_In my memory she is bleeding_

_And so I hold her hand. _

Casualties are a fact of war. Despite that indisputable fact I find myself feeling guilty for having Tyler bite his little vampire girlfriend. When I make it up the stairs and into the blonde vampire's room, she is pale and clearly dying. "Are you going to kill me?"

"On your birthday? You really think that low of me?"

"Yes."

I look over the bite on her neck and internally wince. "That looks bad. My apologies, you're what's known as collateral damage. It's nothing personal." I find myself brushing my hand across her bracelet. "I love birthdays."

Her face scrunches in irritation. "Yeah. Aren't you like...a billion, or something?"

"Well you have to adjust your perception of time when you become a vampire, Caroline. Celebrate the fact that you're no longer bound by trivial human conventions. You're free."

"No, I'm dying." Somehow she manages to sound even stronger with that statement.

I sit on the bed next to her and speak softly. "And I could let you die, if that's what you want. If you really believe your existence has no meaning. I thought about it myself, once or twice over the centuries, truth will be told."

It is the truth. Life has not been kind to me or my family. And yet, there are moments that make it worth it. Something in me wants this girl to understand that. To understand me. "But I'll let you in on a little secret. There is a whole world out there...waiting for you. Great cities and art and music, genuine beauty. And you can have all of it. You can have a thousand more birthdays. All you have to do is ask."

She takes a strangled breath. "I don't want to die."

I bite into my wrist and wrap my arm around her shoulders to bring my blood to her lips. Her fangs sink in and she begins to pull at the cure to her ailment as I am pulled to another time and place.

"There you go, sweetheart. Have at it," I say, unseeing.

_"Marcellus," she exclaims and kneels next to him as she slides a knife across her wrist. She wraps her arm around his neck and presents her human blood to him to complete his transition. "Come on Marcellus."_

_He looks up at her. "I feel…starving," he says through gritted teeth._

_She sighs. "I know. You need to feed. Come on. It's ok. I want you too." He looks at her before hunger takes over and he pulls the blood from her wound. "It's ok. Drink." Her face flinches at the initial sensation before relaxing. Her other hand strokes his forehead. "That's it. You're ok. You're ok."_

_I watch the scene curiously. This woman looks familiar. I always assumed she was Rebekah's blood servant or something. But she stormed in here like she owned the place without fear and is now willingly turning a vampire that died with my blood in his system. She begins to grow weak and I am surprised when the man I consider a son pulls himself from her and shouts. "Mother!"_

_He bites into his own wrist and forces blood down her throat until strength returns to her limbs and she pulls away. "I'm ok!" she gasps. She wastes no time in wiping all of the blood clean from them both, stepping back and crossing her arms. A motherly anger radiates from her and I can't help but watch in awe. "Of all the reckless, selfish, stupid things for you to do, you decide to go out and get yourself killed! I understand that you are going to go after what you want regardless and having it be a choice is one thing but to go and put yourself in harm's way, forcing your family to act is beyond foolish!"_

_Marcellus hangs his head in shame as I watch in confusion, curiosity, and amusement. "And you!" I am startled when she turns on me and her eyes flash with frustration. "Oooh. Do I have some things to say to you!" She looks back at Marcel and then comes toward me. "But not in front of the boy."_

I blink, remembering where I am and that the woman in my arms, with fire so like Julia's that I find myself being glad that she is no longer dying. "Happy birthday Caroline.

* * *

_In my memory she can see me_

_I smile while me dance. _

It has been a long time since I have let myself care for a woman. Even with Julia I never fully let myself give in completely. She had enough power over me already. She still does if I am being completely honest. I have no other way of explaining to myself why I chose to send Caroline the dress, or the silver bracelet.

When she enters the room, I find myself captivated by her. She is beautiful and defiant. She is full of light and I tell myself that Julia saw enough good in me that I must be deserving of this. I must be deserving of a little light and happiness in my life. Julia would not want me to mourn her forever. She would want me to go after something new.

I pull Caroline onto the dance floor with me and I am lost to her. Her steps are in line with mine and she carries herself as a queen.

_"I'm not a very adept dancer," Julia says as I pull her onto the floor for the first time. _

_"Nonsense," I smirk at her. "All you have to do is follow my lead."_

_She picks it up quickly, seeming to read my mind with every step. Once she seems comfortable she breaks the silence. "What are doing Klaus? Why parade me around among all these people. You're going to start a scandal."_

_I speak quietly so that none around us can hear. "Think, Julia. You're the one who said to involve the people. You're people. I wasn't mistaken. You've connected very well with the population here. Every woman in this room wishes she was you and every man wishes he was with you." It's true. She's a vision to behold and I find myself feeling satisfied that I'm the one who gets to relish in it. _

_Her eyes widen in understanding. "You're using me to humanize you to these people. If you want the support of the human population what better way to get it than to show that the human race has a voice in your ear."_

_I spin her out and back again as we continue our waltz across the floor. The count never ending in my head. One, two, three. One, two, three. "Exactly. Very clever."_

_"There would have been other ways to have done it," she says with that mischievous glint I love in her eyes. _

Caroline is not Julia. She never will be, but I actually like that about her. I could never let anything taint my memory of the woman that became my partner. But Caroline is enough like her that I know...I know that it could be spectacular. That we could work amazingly well together. So I push Julia from my mind and focus on the present. It wouldn't be fair to Caroline, Julia, or me if I didn't.

* * *

_In my memory she speaks softly_

_Today it tastes like sand. _

It's not that I have been celebate for a hundred years. By no means have I avoided the company of a woman in my bed in my ache for Julia Rochelle. But I forget that it always leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. It isn't the same when there's no connection, no desperation.

Haley leaves without a word afterwards. That suits me just fine. I don't want to speak with her either. I swallow another gulp of the amber liquid in my glass. Where Caroline strikes me to be like a soft glow of light, and Julia felt like a blazing fire, Haley feels like smoke. I find myself feeling cold and wishing for the warmth that I've been missing.

_She steps into my path, disrupting my pacing as her hands come to rest on my chest. "You went to find Marcellus?"_

_I swallow and nod. "He left us. And that bloody letter made you cry. Enough is enough." I place my hands over hers, holding her to me and look into her expressive eyes. "I'm sorry. I wasn't going to tell you. I failed and now he's still there in that bloody war and…"_

_She pulls a hand away from me and gently places it on my cheek. "Hey. You tried. You tried to bring him back to me and I can't...I can't tell you how much that means to me." _

_She takes a shaky breath and I am lost in the fire that burns in her eyes. They briefly catch on my lips before meeting my eyes again and I feel my previous anger at Marcellus's actions disappear as it is replaced with a yearning I've been burrying for years. When I kiss her it's inevitable. When her fingers thread through my hair it's already written. When I press her down beneath me it's destiny and my whole world is set ablaze. _

I gulp down another drink of bourbon from the glass in my hand. Julia's fire burned out long ago and the smoke is all that's left in my lungs.

* * *

_In my memory her joy blinds me_

_To love her was not my plan. _

I had sworn that I would never return to New Orleans. But I receive word that a witch is conspiring against me, and I cannot let that stand.

When I enter the city again I lose my breath for a moment. The sights, the sounds, the smells. All of it so familiar and yet so different with the addition of modern technology. But at its core, at its heart, the city is just as alive as it had always been.

I head to the French quarter and find myself a witch. "I'm looking for someone...a witch. Perhaps you might be able to help me find her. Jane-Anne Deveraux."

The woman schools her face into a mask, but not quickly enough. "Sorry. I don't know.

"Well, now that's a fib, isn't it?" I take her hand. "Now, you see, I know that you're a true witch amongst this sea of poseurs, so enough with the fabrications. I've quite a temper."

She withdraws her hand from me. "Witches don't talk outta school in the Quarter. The vampire won't allow it. Those are the rules. I don't break Marcel's rules."

The name sends a shock through me. Marcel is alive? "Marcel's rules? Where do you suppose I might find Marcel?"

My heart stutters on the question I don't ask. Is Julia with him?

_I stand staring at the blank canvas before me. What picture can I bring forth out of the textured paper? A soft movement catches my eye and I glance up at the woman sitting in the comfortable armchair off to the side, turning the pages of her book. _

_The sunlight drapes over her form and sets her skin aglow. Her eyes are focused, her breathing gentle. She is completely at ease and I find myself mystified. How can she be so relaxed in the presence of the Original vampire?_

_My fingers twitch and the brush begins to play across the canvas. My eyes flirt back and forth between my subject and my project. _

_After awhile, she begins to stir, feeling my eyes on her, she looks up at me. That focus never leaves her eyes and only becomes redirected. "Are you painting me?" she asks. _

"_I am. It would be helpful if you were to stay still."_

_She seems to pause in thought, assessing me, calculating. She nods and smiles. "Very well. Let me know when you finish. I am curious to see the finished product."_

_Her attention goes back to her book as if she hasn't a care in the world. Only the small upturn of her lips informs me that she's not entirely unaffected by my studying gaze. _

_Some time later, I set down the brush and begin to wipe the paint from my hands. "I've finished. You may move now."_

_She glances up and carefully marks her page before setting down the book. She rises with the grace of a swan and comes to stand by my side. I watch her face as she looks at my artwork of her for the first time. The sharp intake of breath would be impossible to notice had I been human. Her eyes soften and she looks up at me. "You are quite talented. I think you've been improving almost by the day. You do me too much justice." Her attention goes back to the painting. _

"_Painting something extraordinary is easy when the subject has already done most of the work. You made it easy for me." I find myself watching in fascination as her eyes widen in surprise as the complement and the slight blush that rises up her neck and to her face. _

_With a breath she manages to calm the heat rising in her cheeks and I can't help but be in awe at the self control she always seems to have. She smiles at me again and threads her arm through mine and leaning her chin on my shoulder. "Thank you," she says softly. _

_My back is ramrod straight and I don't quite know how to react to this development. She turns back to the painting but she doesn't release my arm. _

"_So tell me. You must have met some famous artists over the years. Who taught who?" she asks with a teasing smile. _

_The question takes me off guard but it makes me smile as I tell her. _

I find Marcel singing at the jazz club, Rousseau's, very much alive. I feel a pain in my chest not knowing why he let me believe him to be dead. Why did he not come find me? Then again. I was running from my father. It would've been very difficult to find me anyway. As I watch him, something else begins to stir in me that I haven't felt in a long time. Pride.


	2. Author's Note

**Thank you all so much for the encouraging words. I decided to move my previous note here so as not to distract from the story. I've been a bit of a mess. **

**(I am afraid I also have some bad news. My dad left this world on January 19th, 2020 (Just a couple days ago). So I do not know how soon the next installment will be up. I have a couple chapters mostly written already so I am hoping it won't be long. I find myself wanting to stay busy, and yet, there is also so much to do and I am feeling a little overwhelmed. But it's coming in waves. As I write this note, I feel fine. In five minutes I might not be. My dad and I were very close and I keep expecting him to call me. I am in a state of shock, as no one knew how sick he really was.**

**Anyway...I don't mean to spread all of my sadness. I know everything is going to be ok and that my dad is where he is supposed to be. He loved me and he made me strong so I must be strong enough for this. Thank you all so much for your support of my writing. Dad always said I should pursue it more, so maybe I will one day. Maybe I'll write an actual book. Okay. Rant over. *love and hugs*)**

**I will post Julia's story when I am ready. I don't know when that might be. But in the mean time, thank you all again for everything. You've all been wonderful. **

**Until my return...**


End file.
